Mumbai Mirror reads this site for its sex and relationship columns.
Recently, a court in big old America, the land of recent wisdom, allowed a couple to seek divorce on the grounds of Facebook flirting amounting to cheating. Facebook is barely a few years old. Cheating is older than the oldest human fossil ever found. Here are top 5 ways in which infidelity has influenced our preferences and behaviours over the years. Prepare to get surprised!
#5 Honey, could you turn the lights off, please?
Have you ever noticed how ubiquitous, sex in the dark is? There are things that cut across cultures and societies and this is one of them. Across most species of animals, be it birds, reptiles, mammals, it is the female who chooses her mate. The male is mostly ok with any female (sounds just like your friends, eh?). Evolutionary psychologists point out to bird species in which the female will publicly choose a male that can build the best nest. Yet, in the dark of the night, when no one can see, she will surreptitiously go and mate with the male that has the most colourful feathers or the most awesome voice. Why the dark? Because then her nest builder provider husband wont know whose eggs he is helping to hatch! Which is why more women prefer the lights off. And now you know!
#4 It is the thought that counts!
Love gifts? Know why? When we lived in the jungle, when men had awesome bodies and women had no epilating creams, one of the ways a woman let a man near her was if he would give her gifts. Usually of food and clothing. This is also true of most of the animal kingdom. A gift is nothing but the sharing of your resources with another. Many male carnivores will give their prey to a female during their courting period. A woman expects the man to provide for her when she is carrying his offspring and giving gifts early on is a sign that the man will be able to provide for her. But the most important aspect of a gift, let us not fool ourselves, is the cost of the gift! Whether it be material cost or cost of time and effort to obtain/create it. The more expensive the gift, the more head over heels the woman. Guess why? Because, she knows then, that you have spent most of your resources on her and don’t have enough left for anyone else! You never would have guessed that, eh?
#3 Where did you go for your Honeymoon?
Switzerland? Mauritius? Thailand? Singapore? Mahabaleshwar? Wherever you went, I am sure, you did more than look at the scenery. According to a Scottish legend, the word HONEYMOON can be broken up into two parts – Honey and Moon! Er, that’s not the most impressive part of what I was gonna say… But, when a woman and a man got married in little old Scotland, they would be shut in a cottage, high on a hill overlooking the rest of the town. They would be given enough supply of food and Honey mead for a month (a Moon). And left alone to fornicate! The mead was to get the woman high so as to get her inhibitions in bed low. Of course, there were no condoms or pills in those days. Neither did innocent, nubile girls sing Rukmini Rukmini outside the windows at night. What’s the point of this you ask? Well Mr. Duh! So that when the couple came out after a month, no one would doubt whose baby the woman would bear! Clearly, the Scots had heard a clever evolutionary psychologist from amongst them who knew all about birds…
#2 It is that time of the month!
All women should sue god. For making them go through soreness and bloatedness and stomach cramps and grumpy moods and general fuckallness, EVERY SINGLE month. Nobody likes periods! Period. You don’t see your female dog or cat leaving yucky blood trails on your sofa and carpet every month, do you? Why only the human females then? Did they know we would eventually invent ‘female hygiene products’? Did they not trust the cats and dogs to come up with those? Apparently, menstruation that human females undergo, was given to them by nature as a tool to ‘choose’ the father of their offspring. When males could arm-twist women into sleeping with them or when the woman wanted to get a good husband to provide for the kids that she would eventually have with the bad boyfriend (see #5 & #3), nature provided women with a super Choice mechanism. With menstruation (as opposed to estruation, in which all females of a species ‘get in heat’ at the same time, often with prominent physical signs such as a baboon’s red butt) nobody but the woman herself would know when she was ovulating and most likely to have a baby. So, she would get to choose the best of both worlds, marry a guy who has the cave and the veggies and go fuck the guy who has the biggest club. Erm, cavemen really carried clubs, you know. What did you think?
#1 In the beginning, there was the Word!
It was called “Fine!” And all the men in the universe were scared of it. That proves that god is a woman. Moving on to more important things, we humans place ourselves above the animals because we have language. No other animal has a verbal communication pattern as complex as ours. It is because of language that we were able to evolve socially, technologically and culturally. What really would we have done without language? No poets, no storytellers, no political orators, no history, no religion, no breaking news! And certainly lesser spouses caught cheating! Yes!! For that is the primary reason why language came about in our itsy bitsy brains (??!!). All animals have signals for communicating danger, availability of food, pain, etc. So did we. Apparently, the complexities came about to try and catch a cheating partner through the words he/she used. And we continue to make the most use of language for that very purpose, years after we got out of caves and got into cubicles. Think about it.
So, there you are! 5 ways in which infidelity has shaped us! To be fair to both parties involved, we are naturally not made to live our lives with one partner. We are supposed to sleep around.
Not that I am encouraging it. But it is great to know that infidelity is natural. Exactly unlike liking Justin Bieber, Bobby Darling, Sonakshi Sinha, Sonam Kapoor, ND Tiwari and Twilight. But don’t go on accusing your woman if she insists that the lights be off or if your man says, “It wasn’t me!” While there are reasons for they doing what they do, they aren’t probably aware of them and these are just habits passed on from their great-great-great-great-great-great grand chimparents.
Until next time, fuck awesome!
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